


to the end of a dream

by sataelites



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Background Relationships, Cancer, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mark Lee (NCT) Needs a Hug, Vignette, i think you can tell where this is going
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:00:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24304801
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sataelites/pseuds/sataelites
Summary: "it's cancer," donghyuck says carefully. it's the first time he's said the words out loud, and the syllables taste like a death sentence.
Relationships: Lee Donghyuck | Haechan & Mark Lee, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 17
Kudos: 96





	to the end of a dream

**Author's Note:**

> slaps this 11k mess, oh i can fit so many cliches into this bad boy.
> 
> this fic is less of a cohesive story and more of a series of vignettes of their lives. also- this is old writing from about two or so ? years ago and i only really gave it a bit of a dusting off before posting to free it from my drafts so expect errors, expect flaws. i’m not super proud of some of the scenes in this, but put this out here anyways lol.
> 
> forewarning the soulmate thing is really not a huge deal in this, it’s really just a sprinkle of trope for flavour lmao
> 
> in any case, i hope you enjoy this fic <3

_ goodbye is only for those who love with their eyes, because for those who love with the heart and the soul there is no separation _

_ \- rumi  _

  
  


the first time mark meets donghyuck is when he is twelve, and donghyuck is eleven. 

the sun was only just settling down into the welcoming arms of the horizon as mark swayed back and forth slowly on the swing, his every move emphasised by the creak and groan of the chains as they rattled above him. the shadows were lengthening by the minute, but mark still didn’t move from his perch on the edge of the worn wooden swing. he didn’t want to go home. well, he _ did _ , but not to the home that was three streets away. 

mark wanted to go back to canada. he had barely been in korea for a week, and still, he craved the comfort of the small apartment they had owned. he missed his loft bed, he missed the cat that would sometimes visit their first floor balcony. he missed the old woman who owned the small convenience store down the road who smiled at him and pressed sweets into his hands when he visited. he missed feeling at  _ home.  _

there isn’t snow here, not yet, with the weather only being just cold enough to create layers of frost over the grass. it seems to glisten back at mark strangely, and only serves to make the ache in his chest stronger, as it’s almost like home, but just inherently different enough to remind him that he is whole oceans away from canada. maybe it’s all in his head, but in any case, he finds himself homesick. he feels like an outsider in this country- a feeling that is only exacerbated by the lilting language that he could only half understand. 

mark is too busy feeling miserable and snuffling into the sleeve of his jacket to notice the approach of another boy. he startled when the swing next to his rattled wildly as a boy with a ridiculously purple windbreaker sits down and begins to swing in rhythm with mark. 

“hi,” the boy offers tentatively, peering at mark with curious eyes. mark thanks his lucky stars that the boy is kind enough to not point out his tears. “i’m donghyuck,” the other boy offers. he looks at mark expectantly. 

“i’m mark”

there’s a short stretch of silence wherein the only sound is the creaking of their swings in tandem, and mark’s embarrassingly loud sniffles. 

“look, i know it’s not much, but maybe it would make you feel a bit better?” donghyuck says hesitantly. mark looks down at donghyuck’s outstretched hand. it’s a lollipop. the wrapping is slightly battered- as if someone had previously attempted to open it before giving up- but the small act of kindness is sort of the last straw for mark, and he feels tears welling up in his eyes again. he swipes at them in irritation before gently taking the candy from donghyuck. “thanks, strawberry’s my favourite,” he says quietly. 

“strawberry is everyone’s favourite,” donghyuck scoffs, but he gives mark a bright smile, “you owe me for next time, that was my last one.” he leaps off the swing and it sways erratically in his wake. 

“okay,” mark says, although he doesn’t know why the other boy is so sure that they’ll cross paths again. 

“see you soon, mark,” donghyuck says with a devilish grin, and with that, he walks away. 

***

it takes mark a week after meeting the boy in the purple windbreaker to realise that he lived just three houses down from mark himself. and in a sudden burst of courage, he finds himself knocking on their door one saturday afternoon. 

an older looking boy opens the door. his hair is dyed a fading pink, he’s a full half foot taller than mark,  _ and  _ he was wearing a sun-faded black t-shirt with a my chemical romance logo proudly emblazoned across its front. all in all, mark is very intimidated, and whatever courage he had mustered before knocking on the door promptly fled. 

“i, um-,” mark starts. “uh.” he flushes in embarrassment. 

the boy raises an eyebrow, and oh god, it’s pierced. mark goes even redder. he takes a breath, and stares pointedly over the boy’s shoulder- there is a framed photo of two cats in the hallway and it is decidedly easier to stare at than the boy in front of him. “i was looking for a donghyuck?” he manages to get out. 

“uh huh.” the boy says. but he doesn’t move from his spot in the doorway. mark kind of wants to die.

“could you,” he hesitates, keeping his eyes on the cats over the boy’s shoulder. “could you, uh, get him for me? maybe?” 

“sure. i guess.” the boy says, and he turns to stride up the stairs, leaving mark to stand awkwardly by the still open front door. thankfully, mark only has to stand there shuffling his feet for a few moments before he hears heavy footsteps coming down the stairs. 

donghyuck runs down to grin at mark, his eyes bright. “i knew i’d see you again eventually, mark!” he takes mark’s hand and leads him up the stairs. donghyuck takes in the way mark looks nervously behind him, “oh. that was my brother taeyong, he likes to pretend he’s scary because he’s 16 and old, but he’s really super not. don’t mind him too much, yeah?”

mark would like to argue that taeyong  _ was  _ in fact terrifying, but decides to stay quiet to spare his pride, and instead follows donghyuck into his room. 

and so, their friendship began. 

***

when mark was younger, he had been under the impression that finding your soulmate was going to be momentous- that it would be unmissable, and dramatic- there would be an intake of breath, a hand on his wrist just like in the old dramas his mum watched, and then eye contact followed by fireworks or some shit (to be frank, mark had probably watched one too many soulmate dramas with his mum)

in reality it went something like this. 

mark wakes up on the morning of his sixteenth birthday with a massive headache, and stumbles down the stairs to slump over at the kitchen table with his head in his hands. he barely manages to grunt a good morning in his mum’s direction as she gently sets a plate of pancakes in front of him, when someone barrels into him.

several things happen at once. first of all, the impact causes mark to lurch forward and get maple syrup all over his white t-shirt. next, he hears a familiar voice laugh uproariously at his misfortune, and as mark turns around to scowl at donghyuck, their bare arms brush, and mark jerks away as a sharp shock lances up his arm.

“well, shit,” donghyuck breathes, and he sounds just about the most serious that mark has ever heard him. his eyes were fixed upon his wrist where their soulmark had just appeared, but when he looks up at mark, his grin is almost blinding, “hey there, soulmate.”

mark smiles back at him and pulls him into a hug- and yes, he’s sticky, and donghyuck is whingeing into his ear, and his head is still throbbing- but mark thinks this is sort of perfect. 

***

today was the day, and mark kind of felt like throwing up. he had never felt this nervous about anything in his life. he knew that he and donghyuck were made to be, but he had heard the stories of the soulmates that didn’t make it, of the pairs that were stuck together in miserable relationships with neither party being happy- because even fate made mistakes. the thought of that happening to them terrified mark. he was determined to not let their relationship be a part of the small percentage of people who suffered- he refused to think that they might be a mistake. they couldn’t be, mark thought, donghyuck made him so incredibly happy, and he likes to think that he makes hyuck happy as well.

he traces the arc of the sun tattoo on his wrist- it feels warm as it always does. steeling himself, mark takes a few breaths before knocking on the door. it was now or never. 

taeyong opens the door and it feels almost like deja vu. heck, mark even felt as small as he did back then, as he shuffles nervously from foot to foot. he was taller than taeyong now, but taeyong had thus far never failed to make him feel small- even though by now mark knew that taeyong was a massive softie. there was something in his gaze that made mark unable to meet his eyes despite them being friends now (it took taeyong baking him about three trays of brownies and him stealing all of hyuck’s oversized sweaters to shiver in in the winter before mark was truly convinced that taeyong wasn’t  _ that  _ intimidating).

taeyong takes one look at mark and  _ smirks _ , like the asshole he can be sometimes- since everyone seems to leap at the opportunity to make fun of mark (he really needs to make nicer friends- even jeno, who was just about the softest boy ever, was catching onto the trend). 

mark sighs as taeyong gives him a sharp grin and shows him inside. 

he waits alone at donghyuck’s door, hesitating. 

taeyong had disappeared into the kitchen with a snide, “don’t screw things up mark!”, and mark could hear him humming along to the radio as he made a racket- taeyong was terribly clumsy, which was endearingly incongruous to his first impression of being stone cold and almost intimidatingly beautiful. that image was usually broken after getting to know taeyong and realising he was practically a bunch of emotion wrapped around a skeleton- really, he was far too soft sometimes. 

he knocks on the door, but there’s no reply. mark can hear the soft strains of the opening sequence for thriller and figures that donghyuck can’t hear him, so he opens the door and steps inside warily. 

donghyuck is strewn haphazardly across his bed, lazily scrolling through twitter and singing along to the song that was playing. he looks up at mark when he approaches and raises an eyebrow at his outfit, “were we going somewhere? you’re all dressed up and everything”

mark shifts his weight from foot to foot nervously, “i was thinking that i should take you out, you know for a proper date”

“why do you look scared shitless then? did you think i was going to say no?”

mark says nothing in response. he keeps his eyes carefully aimed at his feet.

“oh my god, you really did. mark, i’m literally your boyfriend why would i not want to go on a date with you, dumbass?”

donghyuck reaches out and smiles into the short kiss he gives him. “i could never say no to a date with you, loser.”

  
  


***

mark thinks that the date is going well (god he hopes that donghyuck thinks so too). it’s almost over now, but mark has left the worst til last. he’s currently squashed into a teensy little ferris wheel car that has been creaking ominously for the past thirty seconds (which is definitely not doing anything to ease mark’s already frayed nerves).

donghyuck had made fun of mark for being ‘ _ unbearably cliche’  _ when mark had led him to the ferris wheel, but now he seems content enough with peering over the side of the ferris wheel and shaking their compartment at random intervals just to get on mark’s nerves. 

mark takes a moment to steel himself before he speaks, “hyuck.”

donghyuck hums noncommittally, his gaze still focused on the ground that was gradually getting farther and farther away from them. “donghyuck,” mark repeats more firmly. donghyuck finally turns to meet his eyes and all the words that mark had prepared flew straight out of his head. “uh i, look, ah fuck, oh my god,” mark groans, as he twists his rings aruond his fingers nervously. 

donghyuck is laughing at him now, and mark can feel his cheeks and ears get hot, and knows that they must be bright red by now, but he forges on determinedly, and decides to hell with his speech. donghyuck had always complained about him taking too long to get to the point. 

mark spits it out before he can chicken out of saying it, “look, i think i love you.”

donghyuck reacts in exactly the opposite way to what mark had imagined he would have in the numerous iterations of the scenario that he had obsessed over in his head. these ranged from sort-of-realistic (donghyuck stares blankly at him in return, before laughing and stomping mark’s heart into tiny, little pieces) to not-so-much (donghyuck is struck with so much horror at mark’s declaration that he attempts to clamber out of the still moving ferris wheel in an attempt to escape him). 

neither of the two occurred (thankfully)- rather, something mark hadn’t anticipated happens- donghyuck begins to cry. 

“oh shit, please don’t cry, hyuck,” mark’s hands flutter around donghyuck’s face uselessly (mark had never been good around crying people, and usually made both himself and said crying people uncomfortable with his well-meaning but undeniably awkward attempts at comfort)

donghyuck chokes out a wet laugh in response, “oh believe me, i’m trying not to. god, i hate you so much mark lee”

“no, you don’t,”mark says, laughter in his voice.

“no,” donghyuck agrees, meeting mark’s eyes, and his voice is soft as he continues, “i don’t.” 

he swipes at his eyes as he continues, “come here, mark lee.” he looks up to scowl at him, “god. i can’t believe you made me cry on our first actual date.”

mark flounders. 

donghyuck laughs at the red of his cheeks, and pulls him into a kiss. 

***

it started off small, as all things do. a bit of pain in his back, which was easily dismissed with a panadol. donghyuck shrugged it off, and chalked it up to overworking himself during dance practice (which was, admittedly, something he was wont to do). 

then things escalated, the pain worsened. it went from ignorable, to pain that made him want to curl up on the floor and scream. he lost weight, at a pace far too rapid to shrug off anymore. people were noticing donghyuck’s growing gauntness, and try as he might, he couldn’t dismiss his mother’s worries with a laugh anymore. mark saw through his dismissive smiles, and eyes donghyuck with worry every time they meet. 

so he caves and visits a doctor. 

he gets a call with the results, and they say they want to do more tests, the x-ray of his chest returned with his lungs blurred. “it’s just to make sure it’s nothing to worry about” the receptionist says, voice gentle. 

“alright.” donghyuck says. but his voice wobbles dangerously as he makes an appointment for the next tuesday. 

mark looks up from where he’s pressed against donghyuck’s side. “bad news?” he asks, concern evident in his voice. 

donghyuck meets mark’s eyes, and lies. “it was nothing, mark. i’m fine.”

***

as it turns out, he wasn’t. 

donghyuck sits, and feels numb as the doctor delivers their prognosis. the ct scans are damning and reveal tumours everywhere- his lungs, his liver, his spine. 

his mother sits next to him and turns to him- he can see the fear in her eyes. the smile he gives her doesn’t come easy, and what fragments of it he is able to place upon his face are meagre and almost laughable in their fragility. 

donghyuck clutches at his mum’s hand desperately like it’s his lifeline. he doesn’t know what to feel. 

***

donghyuck knows that he probably should have told mark about the whole dying thing before it got this bad, but he couldn’t. it wasn’t like he didn’t try, but everytime he tried to bring it up, mark would look at him with so much love- he looked at donghyuck as if he had hung up the stars and donghyuck just couldn’t say the words. he couldn’t do that to mark. 

they had promised each other forever (or at least as long as they could get, they’d often joked about being old and grey)- so how could he tell mark that they were running on limited time? how could he crush every dream that mark had for their future?

god, he wanted to be able to do that for him, he wanted to be able to grow old together, to be able to get that house in the country with the three dogs, he wanted to adopt a girl and name her after the flowers that mark loved so much. 

he  _ wanted  _ a future with mark. 

but donghyuck, however much he tried to convince himself otherwise, knew his limits and he wouldn’t be able to hold up for much longer. no matter how much he wanted to  _ live  _ it seemed as if his body couldn’t manage that. he knew that it wouldn’t be too long now, he could almost feel the minutes slipping away from him, time was slipping loosely from between his fingers. 

his promise of forever with mark was a promise that he was going to have to break. 

of course the one promise that he would break would be the one that meant the most to him. it was the one promise he made that he desperately didn’t want to break.

but fate is cruel, and donghyuck is dying. he rubs a finger over the crescent moon of the bracelet upon his wrist (which he had swiped from mark some years ago) as he thinks of how to break the news. 

***

in the end, it’s renjun who finds out first. it was completely unplanned and hyuck finds the words coming out of his mouth unbidden one afternoon when renjun had called him over to his place to paint him. donghyuck isn’t even entirely sure what the piece is for, but renjun had called him and rambled on about deadlines and inspiration only to end with an exasperated, “i just need your face, hyuck! come over already!” before he hung up. so hyuck goes, because an aggressive renjun is the last thing that he needs or wants on his hands.

donghyuck still doesn’t really understand why renjun insists on it being him, and it’s not like this had never happened before. hyuck had found himself on multiple occasions in the past in varying hours of the day being called over. when he had asked renjun why he kept calling him over instead of jeno or even jaemin who; in hyuck’s opinion were probably better choices for being painted as hyuck liked to whinge and whine the whole time he was forced to stay still.

renjun had startled at the question and avoided his eyes carefully, “it’s just… there’s something sort of, i don’t really know how to put this, but you have this sort of light, oh god, this is super embarrassing, but i just really want to capture it, it’s like you have a kind of magic about you, that’s unique to you, and i just want to paint it, i guess.”

“that’s… just about the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

renjun snorts, “are you sure? i mean, you have  _ mark  _ for a soulmate.”

“he doesn’t count, he’s nice to everyone,” hyuck laughs, “but really, thank you, i guess”. after a moment he turns to renjun with a smirk, “if i didn’t know any better i’d think that you had a crush on me, but unfortunately both you and i are taken”. 

“what a shame,” renjun deadpans, and hyuck cackles as renjun lunges forward to wrestle him into a headlock. 

it happened after maybe an hour of sitting awkwardly on the couch as renjun alternated between squinting at his face and frowning at the canvas as if it had personally insulted him. donghyuck desperately wants to change positions, but everytime he even  _ thinks  _ of moving, renjun seems to catch on, and stops him in his tracks with a threatening glance that gradually increases in intensity with every little twitch of donghyuck’s hands. 

donghyuck doesn’t even remember what they had been talking about beforehand, only that, as the conversation lulled, he finds himself saying, “renjun, i have cancer”. 

once he’s said it, renjun freezes, and the brush he was holding falls from his hands and leaves an ugly smear of brown across the beginnings of donghyuck’s face. 

donghyuck immediately complains, “hey now! i had to stay still for ever for that!”, because who would donghyuck be if he didn’t complain at the slightest opportunity. 

renjun meets his eyes, and the look on his face is almost comical, and hyuck would have laughed if he didn’t think that renjun would hit him for it. “is this some kind of joke, hyuck? because i am not fucking laughing”. 

“no, jun, what the fuck, why would i joke about something like this?” donghyuck says defensively. he’s almost hurt (he was definitely hurt, but hyuck likes to pretend that he doesn’t care about anything most of the time) that renjun even thought that he was messing with him, “god, not everything that leaves my mouth is a joke”.

renjun seems to sense that he’s said something wrong as he immediately moves over to the couch and pulls hyuck into a hug. donghyuck would usually complain about renjun’s boniness but now he’s far too distracted by the sudden tears that make their way down his face. he doesn’t even really know why he’s crying, but he finds himself not quite sobbing, but almost (how fucking embarrassing) into renjun’s hoodie. he sees renjun make a face (he’d always had a thing about keeping his clothes immaculate) but nonetheless he holds him closer and starts running his hands through his hair. 

“oh, hyuck”, renjun’s voice wraps around his words carefully, “does anyone else know?”

“no, i haven’t told anyone but you, and i wasn’t really planning on telling you like this either, sorry… i just”, and to donghyuck’s embarrassment he found himself struggling to speak past the lump in his throat. “god, i’m such a mess, i’m sorry that you have to deal with this”. 

“it’s not embarrassing to have feelings, hyuck” renjun says, “seriously!” he adds when he sees donghyuck smile sardonically at him, “ giving a shit, opening yourself up to others and letting them into your heart… it’s nothing to be afraid or ashamed of- you’re human, hyuck, and all of this is what comes with being one”

“i don’t know, jun, i just hate the feeling of being a burden and sometimes i just feel like everyone around me just tolerates me being around, like i  _ know  _ i have you, and mark, and everyone else to turn to, but i can’t see that sometimes and i just hate dumping all of my problems on you guys”

“none of us are in this alone in this hyuck, not you, not me, not anyone. we all have each other,” renjun squeezes him tighter, “now tell me how bad it is, and don’t you dare sugarcoat, hyuck,”

donghyuck hesitates and licks his lips nervously, “i’m inoperable. the tumour went too long undetected and it’s spread everywhere. i-” he pauses, and forces the words past the sudden lump in his throat. “i don’t know what’s going to happen, jun.”

donghyuck is grateful for renjun’s silence as he cries into his paint-stained apron. 

***

donghyuck looks up warily when mark walks into the room, and his shoulders are hunched in on himself, almost as if he’s expecting a blow. mark goes to sit in the chair in the far corner of the room, but donghyuck sighs and pats a spot next to him on the bed, “even if i do bite, mark, cancer is non-contagious, come closer dummy”. mark doesn’t know whether to be upset or impressed at donghyuck’s flippant attitude to his own impending end. 

they sit there, donghyuck’s too-skinny frame pressed up against mark’s for some time before donghyuck caves, “look, i know that there was probably a better way for you to find out-”

mark interrupts him, exasperated. “hyuck you threw up literal  _ blood  _ onto my  _ carpet _ and told me it was nothing! i had to call your mum and she was the one who told me that you’re  _ literally dying _ . jesus hyuck, were you ever going to tell me?” 

donghyuck rolls his eyes, “this is exactly why i didn’t tell you straight away, you literally made a big deal out of everything before i got sick, so you would’ve probably had a stroke if i told you about it”

“you’re literally  _ dying _ , hyuck, your mum told me that the doctor said you had a year left, one  _ fucking year.  _ if that isn’t a big deal, i don’t know what is, stop acting like such a brat”

“oh, calling the dying boy a brat now are we? i can’t believe you, mark, i can act however the fuck i want, it’s my life” hyuck spits.

“why are you being like this hyuck? I’m just worried about you, you don’t have to act like such a dick just because you can’t admit that you’re just fucking scared”, mark scoffs, “honestly, we can’t even talk about anything without you being insufferable”

“oh, so i’m  _ insufferable  _ now am i? well If you find it that hard to put up with me, then maybe you should just leave, mark” hyuck practically snarls, getting up from his seat on the bed abruptly. 

“fine, i should’ve known you would’ve been like this, you can’t ever talk about anything serious without acting like an asshole”. mark shoves past hyuck and leaves the room, slamming the door behind him violently. the sound of it echoes through the empty house as he leaves hyuck alone. 

***

oddly enough, donghyuck finds himself messaging yukhei a while after his fight with mark. the two of them weren’t the closest- with hyuck only really knowing the guy because he was soulmates with renjun, but they were still good friends (it was hard to not like a guy like yukhei, really), and donghyuck found himself craving yukhei’s seemingly endless positivity in his life. 

**fried egg**

hey, can you come over ?

yukhei ?

**puppy boy**

what,,, it’s literally like 4am why are you awake

**fried egg**

i could ask you the same question,,

but idk i’ve kind of had a shit day, and a shit week, and i’m feeling all :(((

and i’d rlly like someone to talk to that isn’t mark or renjun

but you know, it’s totally cool if you’re not up to it

_ (it would not in fact, be totally cool) _

**puppy boy**

noooo i’ll be right over ! 

i’ll bring snacks !!

you still like those sour strap things right ?

**fried egg**

yes !! thanks so much, yukhei,, really

**puppy boy**

anything for you lil dude !

twenty minutes later, yukhei arrives in typical yukhei fashion, that is to say- loudly. donghyuck is two seconds away from smacking him in the face as he decides to bang wildly at the front door at just past 4am. donghyuck just thanks his lucky stars that his mother is on a night shift at the hospital and taeyong could probably sleep right through an apocalypse. 

donghyuck shoots yukhei a look as he opens the door, but he just grins at him widely and toes off his vans, making sure to crinkle the plastic bags in his hands as loudly as he could (he probably wasn’t, but it sure seemed like it to donghyuck). 

they made their way upstairs, where yukhei promptly tripped over right in front of taeyong’s door (donghyuck swears he’s doing this on purpose), donghyuck shakes his head but leads yukhei into his room where yukhei promptly crinkles his nose at the smell of about four different scented candles burning (but blessedly does not comment, donghyuck isn’t sure how many more insults to his choice of candles he could take before he snapped)

“soooo,” yukhei says around the mouthful of sour strap in his mouth after a brief silence, “am i going to find out why i’m here any time soon?”

donghyuck decides to be blunt, “i’m dying”

yukhei raises an eyebrow “...isn’t everyone though?” he says whilst carefully peeling the red strip away from the rest of the sour strap. the red strip rips before he can get the whole thing off and yukhei frowns down at it in offence. 

donghyuck groans, “well  _ yes,  _ but i’m being serious here, yukhei, i might not even last the year”

yukhei looks up at him, eyes round, “ _ what.” _

“it’s cancer,” donghyuck says carefully, and the syllables taste like a death sentence in his mouth. 

yukhei looks like he doesn’t quite know what to say, and donghyuck almost feels sorry for dumping all of this on him suddenly. he lets yukhei flounder for three more seconds before he sighs, and adds, “look, i know we aren’t exactly the closest, but, like i can’t even imagine opening up to anyone else about this? jaemin has always been more mark’s friend than mine, and you know how renjun can get sometimes.” yukhei makes a face, and donghyuck laughs softly at him.

“and mark?” yukhei says gently.

donghyuck smiles bitterly, “he’s literally the last person i’d want to talk to about all of this.” 

yukhei frowns at him. “hyuck, i really don’t want to be  _ that  _ person, and it’s well within your rights to decide who to tell, but shouldn’t mark have been the first to know?” 

donghyuck looks down at the careful dissection of his sour strap, and the sugar looks far less appealing than it had thirty seconds prior. he swallows. “i just…” he hesitates, “i just don’t want to hurt him with this. you know how mark is, yukhei, he’d take it all upon himself to do the impossible, to find someone who can cure me. but i’m tired, and i’m selfish, and i don’t want him to.” he gestures loosely at himself, “the chemos not working, they’ve trialed several different cocktails of drugs, but nothing’s shaking the tumours.” donghyuck laughs bitterly, “if anything, i just feel worse. i just want it to stop.”

“and you don’t think mark will understand.” yukhei says quietly.

“no,” donghyuck agrees. “i don’t.”

***

mark regrets everything he said almost immediately, but since he’s petty, and doesn’t want to admit he’s wrong just yet, he doesn’t visit hyuck until five days after they fight. they haven’t spoken even once since they fought, and with hyuck dropping out of school recently, mark doesn’t even catch a glimpse of him for those couple of days except for the vague impression of movement behind the drawn curtains of hyuck’s window. 

he knocks on the door to hyuck’s house and when no one answers, he grabs the spare key from behind the small group of succulents beside the door and lets himself in. 

mark walks towards hyuck’s room reluctantly, and now that he is in the house his spur of the moment bravery is quickly dissipating. he stops in front of hyuck’s door to quietly collect himself (he is his own hype man after all) “come on mark, you can totally do this, grow some balls, be the better m-”

he’s cut off by hyuck’s laughter, “oh my god, just come in you absolute loser”

mark reddens and he kind of wants to die on the spot, but he steels himself and walks in. and, oh,  _ gross.  _ “what the fuck kind of candle are you burning hyuck, it smells like shit” 

“shut up, mark, i’ll have you know that candle was limited edition and probably worth more than your soul” donghyuck scoffs.

silence falls over them, and donghyuck swings his legs back and forth from his seat on the bed. mark stands awkwardly in the doorway, glancing at hyuck nervously. 

donghyuck breaks the silence, “i thought that you weren’t going to come back” he says quietly while looking down at his feet “i thought that maybe you didn’t want to deal with me anymore, especially now. i thought that you had left me, mark”

mark’s heart breaks when donghyuck looks up at him with tears glimmering in his eyes. he sits down next to hyuck and takes him into his arms, and hyuck slots into them with practiced ease. 

“look at me, hyuck,” mark sighs and cups donghyuck cheeks softly. “i would never have left you, you mean the world to me, i could never, and _ will _ never give up on you, we’ll get through this together okay? you’re my world, and i could never leave you behind you absolute dumbass”

donghyuck buries his face into mark’s hoodie, and mark pretends that he doesn’t notice the soft shakes of hyuck’s shoulders and his quiet sniffles. he knows that hyuck would rather jump off a cliff than acknowledge his tears, so mark stays quiet.

after a while, donghyuck sniffles and finally lifts his head from mark’s shoulder. he looks like a mess, but the look donghyuck shoots at him warns him to stay quiet. and so mark does.

hyuck finally composes himself and takes mark’s hands into his own. he looks mark in the eyes- and mark sees the universe within them. 

“thank you” donghyuck struggles to keep is voice under control as it wobbles. mark waits for more, but it seems that that was about all that hyuck could manage to get out, so mark just holds hyuck tighter in his arms, and his heart soars when he hears donghyuck mumble a quiet i love you into his chest. 

***

**hyuckie bear**

jun, i feel ridiculous

ridiculous and pathetic

**firefly!1!**

what have you gone and done now

**hyuckie bear**

it’s ,,,, 

i’m in the bathroom

my hair came out

there’s sm of it 

and idk i’m upset and i feel dumb bc it’s just hair !! but

it’s mine, and now it’s not

and idk i’d be rly fucking ugly bald 

**firefly!1!**

you’re not dumb for feeling that way hyuck

losing your hair makes it real

like all this is actually happening //to you//

and it’s okay to be upset about that 

also you could never be ugly hyuck >:((

**hyuckie bear**

i appreciate you sm renjun, really!

this is the first physical sign that i actually have the c word

and yeah it does make it real

and i thought that i’d come to terms with everything

but this shows that i haven’t

and fuck idk

**firefly!1!**

okay this is a conversation we need to have in person

give me like half an hour i’m coming over with icecream and hugs

**hyuckie bear**

<33 love you

make sure it’s cookies and cream or i’m not letting you in !!

***

donghyuck startles as the door to his hospital room slams open and mercilessly collides with the wall behind it. it’s mark, and he’s soaking wet and breathing heavily, dripping small, erratic patterns of raindrops onto the grey linoleum beneath his feet. 

donghyuck immediately moves to sit up a bit more, arms reaching out to mark, but mark cuts him off with a sharp no. donghyuck stops and watches mark slump into the chair beside his bed and put his head into his hands. 

they sit there, quiet for a while. the soft glow of the light above donghyuck’s hospital bed casts strange shadows upon mark’s face and when he finally looks up- he looks like a stranger- almost like a completely different version of himself. he was all sharp planes and angles, which were only being emphasised by the harsh lighting. mark looks tired. his eyes look puffy and red-rimmed and donghyuck knows mark well enough to know not to ask. mark always opened up quickly without prompting. 

“ _ why were you trying to lie to me again, donghyuck?” _

mark’s voice cuts through the silence sharply, and he runs his hands through his wet hair, making it stick up at odd angles. mark looks absurd, and if the mood had been lighter, donghyuck might’ve laughed at him. instead, he struggles out of his bed, hating the way his body screams at him with every move, and sits on the floor near mark’s feet to look him in his downturned eyes. 

mark stays quiet, and the silence between them is only broken by the sound of the downpour outside. mark raises his head slightly, avoiding donghyuck’s eyes. his voice is a strained sort of quiet as he speaks, “how could you not tell me that it had gotten to this point, hyuck?”

“i just didn’t want to ruin things for you, mark, we all thought i was getting better-”

“but this isn’t about me, hyuck! this is about you,” mark snaps. “this is about you,” he repeats quietly, “and it hurts me that you keep on keeping things from me for my sake.”

donghyuck sighs, “i’m sorry. i’ll tell you next time, it’s just…” he hesitates, and continues in a small voice, “it’s hard to break your happiness.”

mark navigates his arms in a familiar dance around the various wires and tubes donghyuck is attached to with a well-practiced ease as he pulls him into a hug. 

***

for a while, the both of them dance around each other in a careful game of pretend. neither of them know how to act around the other anymore. and even after they had talked briefly to each other about the situation, things still felt strained. mark tiptoed around hyuck, not sure when it was okay to take matters into his own hands when hyuck was being stubborn about his pain- unsure where his boundaries even begun, and hyuck dodged around mark’s worries and questions- steering their conversations into topics that became exponentially more absurd as mark grew bolder with his prodding. 

after a while of this, mark had had enough and cuts hyuck off when he tries to lead them into a conversation about the pros and cons of being a circus ringmaster. 

“hyuck,  _ please _ . can we just talk properly about this?”

donghyuck avoids mark’s eyes carefully, “what is there to talk about?”

mark kind of feels like strangling him, but he composes himself and says, “you, us, everything”

“well, personally, i really don’t think that we have a problem here, mark, everything is sweet! no need to worry about anything!” donghyuck turns and gives mark just about the most plastic smile he has ever seen, and mark just stares at him unimpressed. 

“we can’t keep going on like this, donghyuck, and you  _ know  _ it”

“i don’t know what you’re talking about, mark,” donghyuck insists, and mark loses his temper.

“i just don’t understand why you’ve given up, donghyuck!” mark almost shouts the words in his anger. “why would you stop your treatments? it’s like you’ve just stopped believing that you’ll get out of this alive, and i hate it! don’t you want a futur- '' mark's eyes widen. he hadn’t meant to say that but the words had gotten away from him. 

“shut the fuck up, mark lee.” donghyuck interjects. “you don’t understand, mark. i’m tired, okay! i’m fucking tired!” donghyuck snaps at him, and his eyes burn dangerously as his voice reaches a yell. “i’m tired of getting my expectations up again and again, only to be told over and over that whatever fucking methods they’re trialing on me aren’t working. you have no right,” he says angrily, “no  _ fucking _ right to tell me what i should or shouldn’t do. this is my choice, and i’ve made it.” 

“it just feels like you’ve lost hope already hyuck,” mark says gently, “there’s so many-”

donghyuck interrupts him with a sardonic laugh. “that’s because i have, mark,” he gestures at himself, “there’s no fixing this, anymore. all that’s left is the end.”

“hyuck,” mark tries, but donghyuck cuts him off. 

“no.” he says sharply. “i don’t want to hear anything from you anymore, mark. just... just get out.” 

“but-” 

“ _ leave.”  _

mark doesn’t. 

he knows he’s pushed donghyuck too much, and doesn’t want to leave with them both angry at each other. mark knows the value of time, now more than ever, and doesn’t want to waste any of it with anger between them. mark gingerly places himself next to donghyuck on the bed, and hyuck, stubborn as ever, refuses to look at him. 

“hyuck,” mark says softly. “look at me.” donghyuck does. 

“i was a bit of a dick.” mark confesses. 

donghyuck scoffs. “yeah,” he says, “you were.”

“i’m sorry.” 

“i know,” donghyuck sighs.

***

mark wakes up when his phone rings, and almost has a heart attack when he sees that it is donghyuck calling. it was sort of an unspoken rule between them that they wouldn’t call each other during the dead hours of the night, since sleep for donghyuck was always hard won- a fact that was only worsened by his illness. 

mark picks up the phone after two rings, and waits for hyuck to talk.

he only lets out a breath that seemed to last an age, as if even the weight of his breath in his lungs was too heavy to bear. the sound of it terrified mark.

“hyuck? what’s wrong?”

there is a long silence punctuated with short, wheezing breaths before hyuck speaks, “it’s nothing mark. just tell me about your day”

“hyuck, you’re obviously in pain, do you want me to call your m-”

“ _ please just do it mark,”  _ the hitch in hyuck’s voice at the end of his sentence gives away his desperation. 

“i already did? don’t you remember?”. mark definitely recalls ranting about his stupid chemistry partner ruining the day’s practical and hyuck’s laughter at his story, saying mark probably deserved it after the amount of times he had clumsily ruined the previous experiments. 

“no, no, i do remember i promise. just make something up- i don’t care, please just talk to me, i  _ need _ a distraction, mark, just,” he lets out another long, rattling breath, “please.”

and so, because mark would do absolutely  _ anything  _ for donghyuck, he tells hyuck their own story, spinning threads of their lives together- expressing his happiness in finding a person like hyuck to spend his life with in an effort to distract hyuck from his pain.

it must have worked, because, yes, mark’s mouth is dry, and he’s running out of words to put together, but the other end of the line is silent- only being broken by donghyuck’s sleep soft breathing. 

mark smiles to himself before ending the call. 

***

hyuck’s days are divided up into the rare good ones, the tired ones, and the horrifying ones, and everyday that mark visited he feared which one of those days would be hyuck’s last. 

most of donghyuck’s good days are spent outside. he wasn’t technically supposed to go out, but he nagged at mark until he finally gave in and helped him get settled into a wheelchair. mark wheels hyuck out into the sunshine, and gets them settled at a bench at the old park next to the hospital. hyuck looks beautiful here, with his face tilted up to the sun, greeting it like an old friend. the warm golden hues of the sunlight on his face almost seems to grant him the old tanned glow that he used to have to his skin. he belongs here, outside, in the almost stifling heat of summer, not cooped up inside a cold hospital room with only the blinking lights of machinery to accompany him. 

it made mark so incredibly sad to watch donghyuck’s skin pale as the illness leeched the tan from his skin, as he watched him become unbearably thin, and as he watched him spend steadily increasing amounts of time hooked up to his machines when his lungs gave up. mark knew they were reaching the end, but in this moment, he watches as donghyuck tilts his head back and closes his eyes to enjoy the warmth of the sun. 

later, when mark is getting ready to leave, he senses that something is off. donghyuck is quiet- not even moving in his spot on the hospital bed-normally he’d grumble under his breath about the position of his pillows, but today, he is quiet. which was odd, because donghyuck was a talker, and the moments where he had nothing to add to a conversation were few and far between. 

mark moves over to him to fuss over his pillows and his blankets almost frenetically. he can just  _ feel  _ that something is wrong, but he doesn’t know what, and he doesn’t want to leave the room when there was obviously something bothering hyuck. donghyuck hadn’t even said anything when mark was hovering over him, which was scarily out of character- most days he would’ve snarked at mark for even laying a finger on his pillows, always saying that he could fix them himself. 

but today, he was quiet- and mark doesn’t know what to say.

a nurse pops her head through the doorway, gently reminding mark that visiting hours were closing soon. mark nods at her before hesitating a moment before he sits down beside hyuck.

donghyuck smiles at him, and It’s an unfinished smile. empty and distant in a way that donghyuck’s smiles aren’t. 

“you don’t need to say goodbye, mark, i’ll be right here tomorrow, i promise”

something in his words rings hollow, but mark shrugs it off and instead smooths back donghyuck’s hair and places a soft, soft kiss on his forehead.

“until tomorrow then,” mark says as he turns to leave the room.

“until tomorrow,” donghyuck echoes, that same tight smile on his face.

mark doesn’t see the way donghyuck’s smile crumples when he leaves the room.

it’s the last time he hears donghyuck’s voice.

***

the shrill tone of his phone ringing woke mark up immediately. and without even looking at the caller id, he knew what he was going to hear. he could feel it. it felt as if the earth had tilted on its axis and was spinning uncontrollably through space, unbalanced. 

he picked up the phone.

taeyong’s voice wobbles as he tells him the news. 

and surely enough, when he rolls up his sleeve with trembling hands, the small tattoo of the sun is faded, barely even visible.

and then, right before his eyes.

it 

fades

to

grey

and 

disappears. 

donghyuck was gone. 

***

for the first few days after, mark was numb. it didn’t seem real at first, the fact that he wouldn’t be able to hear him laugh again, that he wasn’t able to see him smile at him again, that he wasn’t able to hear him call his name softly again. 

it hurt. and since mark had always been a coward, instead of dealing with his feelings he buries them deep, deep, deep into himself. bottling them up, stifling them. hiding them from view.

donghyuck had never really told mark how bad his condition really was on the grounds that he didn’t want mark to worry more than he already did (which was bullshit because mark had already broken well past his worry threshold- he was used to worrying, especially when he had grown up beside hyuck, the ideas that that boy came up with never failed to simultaneously awe mark, and make him want to pull out his hair by the roots). since their first fight about mark’s excessive worrying, mark had brought up the subject multiple times only to be shut down. 

(“mark, your hair will literally turn white if you worry more than you already do. and let me tell you now, that definitely would  _ not  _ be a good look on you”)

mark knew, of course he knew that cancer was not something you could just walk away from. but he had  _ hoped.  _ he had hoped that the small error in hyuck’s genetic coding could be fixed- that the small mistake the universe made could be easily undone by the constant progress of the medical world. 

but it didn’t happen. it seemed as if hyuck was not that easily fixed. and it was hard to accept that even though hyuck was so bright- he was still fallible. 

mark had made himself believe, even as he watched hyuck deteriorate before his eyes. he had believed that hyuck would be able to get out of this ordeal okay. that he would come out of all of this with a victorious grin on his face, taunting mark for not believing in him. 

but it wasn’t meant to be. 

***

mark finds himself dialling hyuck’s number two months after that night. he doesn’t know why he chooses to do this, but in a moment of weakness, his fingers move over the keypad, pressing in those familiar ten digits. 

the call goes straight to voicemail. 

the audio begins with a crackle of static before hyuck starts talking and mark almost sobs, because that’s his voice and it’s right  _ there  _ except the person behind that voice isn’t really there and can’t ever be again. and it hurts that the one person he wants to see is someone who he can’t talk to again, can’t even  _ hear  _ again except for this. just these few recorded seconds. 

he was so close, yet so goddamn unreachable. 

“hi! this is donghyuck, but you probably already know that. anyways i’m either too busy to pick up right now or i’m ignoring you, but leave a message after the beep if you’re that bothered. also if this is mark please stop calling me babe, you worry too much you loser, i love you.“

there’s a soft laugh, and a whisper mark can’t catch, then the audio falls into silence. 

call mark sad and pathetic, but he finds himself calling hyuck’s number again. 

***

jaemin had always had a penchant for finding mark’s hiding places no matter how hard he tried to tuck himself away from the world. it had happened so often now, that mark wasn’t even surprised when he turned and saw a familiar head of pink hair opening the door to the roof. jaemin presses up against mark’s side and leans heavily against the railing. he runs a hand through his newly dyed hair- it was yet another bet he lost to jisung- and nudges mark gently.

“when are you going to visit him, mark? we all went together to leave him flowers, but you never replied to my messages”, jaemin said, his voice soft and soothing like he was trying not to scare mark away- like mark was an animal backed into a corner, and he was trying not to frighten him away. and mark kind of hates it- he hated that everyone (even jaemin, who was mark’s number one antagonist after donghyuck) was acting like he was a piece of glass that was about to crack- sure, he might’ve  _ felt _ that way, but that didn’t mean that he wanted people to act like they knew he was two seconds away from breaking. 

when mark stays silent, jaemin sighs, “please mark, it isn’t healthy for you to keep on going on like this, it’s been  _ months” _ . 

mark wants to lash out at jaemin, maybe he even wants jaemin to yell at him, to hurt him- to make him feel something other than just an all-consuming numbness. but jaemin doesn’t, because for all of the times where he teases mark and makes him feel like gouging his own eyes out, those times were countered with the innumerable times that jaemin had supported mark, when he was a shoulder to cry on, when he was a friend to confess his fears to. jaemin had always been there for him, but right in this moment, mark kind of wishes he wasn’t. 

mark was just sick of being told how to feel. everyone around him seemed to be taking it upon themselves to tell mark to move on, and mark feels like screaming, or crying, or god forbid, even an embarrassing combination of both. 

“moving on with your life doesn’t mean that you’re going to forget him, mark, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to be letting him go, either. this is just you continuing on with your life- hyuck will always be a part of you, and he would definitely want to see you at least leave the house for a start”

it was like jaemin had read his mind- for all the times that he acted like a complete airhead he was almost scarily perceptive. 

mark was just so scared of forgetting hyuck. it was the little things that he was most scared of losing, all the little habits and quirks that made donghyuck himself. he was already starting to second guess the way he remembered hyuck’s smile, the colour his hair turned under the sun, the way his eyes lit up when he laughed, the way he held mark’s hands. mark was terrified of losing the last pieces of donghyuck that he was able to cling onto- he was afraid of losing hyuck a second time.

and jaemin, the kind soul that he is, listens as mark unloads his huge mess of emotions on him. 

and god, mark would rather shave all of his hair off than admit that he was glad to have a person like jaemin around to his face so instead he wraps an arm around jaemin’s shoulders and smiles wickedly, “so… now that embarrassing loss of self control is over with, tell me how your attempts at wooing jeno are going”.

mark grins as jaemin’s ears go red as he begins to rant about jeno’s obliviousness to his attempts at flirting (“i swear he’s doing this on purpose, mark!” “nah, jeno might be crazy smart, but he has the emotional intelligence of a five year old”)

***

**t.why**

mark could you come over and help me clean out hyuck’s room ?

i don’t think i can do this alone

**lil lion**

give me a moment, i’ll be there

**t.why**

thank you mark. really. 

mark finds himself staring at the familiar door with the crooked label spelling out donghyuck’s name a few minutes later. he stands in front of the door with his hand on the doorknob, trying to muster up the will to enter the room. he hadn’t been inside for months, not since donghyuck had gotten ill enough to stay in his hospital room permanently despite wanting desperately to stay at home. hyuck had put up a fight, but the equipment he needed to keep living couldn’t be set up at home, so the hospital was where he stayed.

he enters and just being in the room is overwhelming. the bed is unmade and the smell of hyuck’s ridiculously scented candles still hangs in the air. it almost seems as if he had just stepped out for a while. but hyuck hadn’t been in this room for months, and he wasn’t coming back. the room itself was a mess, with old stacks of abandoned school work littered across hyuck’s desk and the floor surrounding it. clothes were scattered across the room and spilling out from his wardrobe messily and candles of every size and shape littered every flat surface that wasn’t occupied by books or papers. on the walls are sagging constellations of old band posters and photographs. the majority of them, mark sees, are of him. most of them were taken when he wasn’t paying attention, candid shots of the life before hyuck’s illness- snapshots of movie tickets, a pair of hands intertwined, a couple of mark sleeping against a bus window, and of him laughing, and more of his back to the camera, heading out towards the ocean or the trees or the town. so many of their memories together were arranged in clusters on hyuck’s walls, and mark feels a little overwhelmed. 

mark takes a moment to steel himself before he starts to sort through the mess. 

when organising hyuck’s desk, mark finds a usb with his name and a bunch of obnoxious hearts scrawled around it written on its surface. he pockets it, and promises himself that he’ll look through it later, before he moves onto the rest of the room. 

***

on the usb is a single video. mark hesitates before playing it. 

the video starts with some fumbling and shaky, too-thin fingers adjusting the camera. the fingers leave even though the angle isn’t quite right- with the shot being tilted endearingly to the right.

there’s a soft sigh as donghyuck appears in frame and sits cross-legged on the bed. the bedsheets crumple softly as he bends over to lift his battered acoustic guitar to haul it into his lap. it’s the very same one that now sits in the corner of mark’s room, untouched. the same worn wood and and the same old band stickers plastered all over its surface. 

donghyuck cradles the guitar in his arms like a child. there’s a soft strum of hesitant fingers on guitar. then a long stretch of silence before donghyuck looks at the camera shyly. 

“uh, mark. hi. this is for you, i guess. don’t get mad at me but i might have looked into your notebook, you know, the blue one and i saw all the lyrics you wrote and i thought they were really beautiful and i just couldn’t believe that all those words were for  _ me _ ”

he pauses and smiles straight at the camera and it’s just so  _ bright  _ and mark’s heart cracks. 

“but yeah, i decided to make it a proper song and all, i wrote the melody and did the chords and stuff myself, but yeah i just wanted to let you hear this from me. just in case, you know the worst happens. if it did, i think you’d want to hear this. and if nothing bad happens then you’ll get the live version when i get brave enough to show this to your face”

he laughs, and mark almost forgets about the gauntness of his face, almost forgets about the sickly pallor to his skin, he almost forgets about the air of fragility and the deep shadows beneath donghyuck’s eyes. almost. but not quite. 

“here we go then, i guess” hyuck breathes, fingers wrapping around the neck of the guitar. 

he starts to play. and yes, his fingers are more unsure around the chords than they used to be from months of not playing, and yes his voice is breathier and softer than it used to be because his lungs don’t work like they used to, but it’s just donghyuck’s sweet, soft tones and his guitar in the quiet room, and mark thinks it’s perfect. 

the song ends, and donghyuck sits quietly afterwards, his fingers still on the frets of his guitar. his breathing is heavy and it stutters a bit, but he looks so proud of himself and mark can’t get angry at him. 

“i guess that’s it for today, mark, my lungs are kind of dying and i probably need to get myself hooked up to my stupid machine in a moment,” donghyuck pushes his ridiculous orange beanie up further and sighs. “i’ll write my own lyrics someday, i promise, but for now, i’ll just have to use yours” 

he stands up shakily and makes his way to where the camera sits. mark hears a quick, “i love you, dumbass” before a hand fumbles with the camera, and the footage stops. 

mark sits there for a while, on the floor of his bedroom clutching the laptop in his hands in a white-knuckled grip, trying to ignore the tears making their way down his face. 

***

taeyong approaches mark a day after he came over. he holds a blue envelope in his hands- almost crumpling it with how hard he is holding the paper between his thin fingers. 

taeyong offers the envelope to him with a grim smile, “i found this right after you left, it was addressed to you”. mark accepts the envelope from taeyong’s waiting hands, and watches taeyong walk back into the house with his shoulders looking like they bore the weight of the world upon them.

mark looks down at the envelope in his hands, studying the shaky letters that spell out his name. the handwriting is terribly familiar. mark doesn’t want to open the envelope. 

he doesn’t know if he can.

***

mark finally grows the balls to open the envelope three days after taeyong gave it to him. 

the letter is spread across three pieces of paper, written in various colours of ink, and with various degrees of legibility- with donghyuck’s normally perfect cursive lettering regressing into barely legible scrawls and ink blots where the pen stayed too long on the page. the letter was written over a span of days and what looked like varying degrees of coherency and consciousness. 

_ to mark, the love of my life, my literal soulmate, etc, etc, _

_ first things first, i realise i don’t tell you this enough but i truly do appreciate having you here with me by my side throughout this whole hell ride, even when we both knew how this journey was going to end.  _

_ thank you.  _

_ thank you for sticking by me even when i was being insufferable, thank you for being with me during all those nights when i couldn’t sleep, thank you for being patient with me when i could barely string two words together, thank you for always being there by my side (no matter how much i joke about being sick of seeing your face, i appreciated you being there, really) _

_ just, thank you. for everything. thank you for everything you have done, and everything that you will do. the world is a better place with you in it. you made this short piece of life that i was able to live worth it. you made and continue to make me happy and i can’t imagine a life without you in it.  _

_ i wouldn’t ask for a second chance at life if it meant losing you. so for now, i think i’m satisfied with what i have lived in this short while with you.  _

_ most importantly thank you for loving me. thank you for sticking by me. really, i was so scared that you would leave after you found out about the cancer. maybe most people would’ve, but i should’ve known that you wouldn’t have been like most people.  _

_ god, there are so many things i want to tell you, and i want to tell you these things in person, but i don’t know how much time i have left. i can feel the days slipping from between my fingers no matter how hard i try to hold onto them- and i am trying my fucking hardest, mark, for you and for me. there’s just been a feeling, a feeling that everything’s coming to a close. and i want to deny it, refuse it, ignore it, but i can’t. which is why i’m writing this. a failsafe if you will, i’m terrified of not being able to say goodbye, and even if i don’t get to verbally, at least we’ll have this.  _

_ you asked me the other day why i wasn’t scared, and at the time i just brushed you off and laughed like i always do. but, the truth is, even though i’ve acknowledged that i’m dying, and that i will die soon, i am still so scared mark. i am terrified. i knew you were frightened of what the outcome would be too, you are just about the worst liar i have ever met, and although you were trying to hide it from me, you couldn’t. i know you almost better than i know myself, after all. _

_ seeing you trying to be strong for the both of us made me want to hide my fears from you- sorry, i’ve always been the better liar between the two of us.  _

_ but although i am scared, most of what i’m feeling right now is regret.  _

_ all i wanted was to have a future with you. after all, the hardest part of all of this is leaving you behind. i wish that i could give you the happy ending that you’ve always wanted- that we’ve always wanted, but i can’t, and for that, i’m sorry. i am so sorry, mark. i’m sorry that the end of this story isn’t going to be the happy ending that we both want.  _

_ my chapter of our story is coming to an end, but yours is just at the beginning. your chapter isn’t over mark, and god, i hate how sappy this is but please keep on living. you still have so much life left to live, so many people to meet, and many more memories to make. and it would crush me if that was taken away from you. so please, live for me, mark. there are so many blank pages that you have yet to fill.  _

_ there’s so much more i want to say, but i’m sure you already know most of it. you know me better than anyone else after all. but also because i’ve had enough of all of this sappy shit.  _

_ i guess i’m going to end this letter here. _

_ we’ll meet again someday, mark, i’m sure of it- and if the stars align, maybe we’ll get our happy ending in another universe- if we’re meant to, i’ll meet you there! _

_ so here’s to the future! i’ll definitely be seeing you again, loser. not in this lifetime, but definitely in the next. believe in me! believe in us! so go out there. live well, love well. the world waits for no one, and i don’t want it to pass you by.  _

_ here’s to the end of a dream. until we meet again.  _

_ love, with all of my fucking fragile heart, _

_ donghyuck.  _

_ p.s. there should be something else in the envelope. it was about time i gave it back.  _

_ p.s.s. you deserve the world and more. giving you all the love i have dumbass! _

and there at the end of the final sentence, because donghyuck is  _ absolutely _ ridiculous, is a sloppy lipstick stain in an obnoxious shade of red. 

mark reaches inside the envelope and feels the cool touch of metal and pulls out the bracelet he’d thought he’d lost years ago. the silver of the chain is a familiar weight in his hand. 

the first charm on the bracelet remains the same, and the face of the moon gleams at him comfortingly. but nestled alongside it was something new- and the metal of the charm was noticeably less worn than the moon beside it. 

the surface of the sun winked back at mark as he held it to the light. 

_ end.  _

  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> aaand that’s a wrap ! this was mostly written during my delirious 3am sad hours, so this is not going to be the greatest thing out there, but thank you for making it to the end of this 11k mess. 
> 
> i’ll meet you there by 5sos is the thematic song for this believe it or not,,, the lyrics fit, okay!! fun fact- the original title for this fic was i’ll meet you there, and the song’s lyrics are referred to within donghyuck’s letter. 
> 
> i struggle with dialogue A Lot and interactions between characters are hard for me so any thoughts on those would mean the world ! i’m interested to see if they feel genuine !
> 
> as always, kudos and comments are super appreciated and would absolutely make my day <3


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